What If It All Works Out?

"Until that moment I had only thought about everything that could go wrong.
It had genuinely never crossed my mind that things could actually work out."

Disclaimer: This one's a little longer and probably the most personal thing on here.

I have a very annoying habit. Whenever something feels really important to me, my brain immediately starts planning for everything that could possibly go wrong. Never what could go right. 
That's exactly what happened when I met Paul.

We met in Copenhagen while he was doing his semester abroad and I was working there as an au pair. I think we started talking about long distance on our second date already. We both knew it was coming.
I won't lie to you, I completely panicked.
Not because of Paul. Because of myself.

There was one very specific night where I genuinely thought everything was about to end before it had even really begun:

Paul had gone to Finland for about a week. My schedule was chaos. I was alone with the kids and their dad all week, exhausted and stressed. Paul spent his days exploring Finland and still texted me every chance he got. But somehow it wasn't enough for my anxious brain.
By the time he was flying back to Copenhagen, I had convinced myself that I had to make a decision.
Could I really do this?
And looking back now, I realise something really important: I wasn't doubting the relationship. I was doubting myself.

Up until then, I had never had a boyfriend. I had always been good at situationships because they never required me to be fully vulnerable. This suddenly felt real and serious. Honestly, I was terrified. I was scared of opening up and that I might wasn't ready. And definitely petrified that one of us would end up getting hurt in the process.
So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I called my friend.

She stayed on the phone with me for hours. I don't think I let her get more than three sentences in. I just kept talking. Every thought that entered my head immediately left through my mouth.
Looking back now, I realise she was listening to someone who kept saying she doubted the relationship... when in reality I was just scared of going for it.
She listened and finally said, "You need to tell him all of this before either of you wastes your time."
So when Paul texted me that he'd landed, I replied with the most terrifying text someone can receive: "Great... I think we should talk when you're back."

Now, in my previous dating experience—which wasn't exactly extensive—that text usually meant one thing: Finding every excuse to dodge the uncomfortable conversation and let the situationship slowly fade out.
But not with Paul!
Before he even got onto the bus back into Copenhagen, he called me.

I remember talking for what felt like forever without actually making much sense.
I kept saying I wasn't sure if long distance would work. That maybe we were setting ourselves up for heartbreak. Maybe we'd find each other again later in life under different circumstances.
Which, now that I think about it, was probably my own way of saying that somewhere deep down, I believed we belonged together.

Then he answered calmly, "Lena, I'm not going to pressure you into anything. If this is really how you feel, I'll respect your decision. I think it's an unfortunate decision because I'm really starting to fall for you, and I'd love to see where this could go. But I'll respect whatever you choose."

And weirdly enough... That made everything worse. If he had simply agreed to end things, it would have confirmed every insecurity I had.
Instead, he believed in us. Even when I didn't.

As we hung up, I instantly called my friend again. I couldn’t sit with my thoughts alone. She listened to me cry hysterically, repeat the same thoughts over and over again, and stayed on the phone until I literally fell asleep from exhaustion.
The next morning I even called in sick. Not because I was physically ill. Because I had spent the entire night overthinking and got about 2 hours of sleep.

The next day, I regretted everything. I was still insecure, scared and unsure. But I knew I didn't want to lose him because of those fears.
So I started calling the people I trusted most. My brother's girlfriend at the time said something that completely changed the way I looked at everything.

She said, "I'm not going to lie to you. Long distance won't be easy. But what if it all works out? Imagine you're 50 years old, happily married, and you've spent 25 years together. Do you really think you'll look back and think those first 7 months mattered that much?"

And I honestly just sat there. Because until that moment I had only thought about everything that could go wrong.
It had genuinely never crossed my mind that things could actually work out.
Funny how our brains do that, isn't it? We spend hours preparing ourselves for worst-case scenarios. Rarely for the best ones.

About 2 minutes later I called Paul. I asked if he'd be willing to rethink our conversation and come over the next day so we could actually talk properly. To my surprise, he agreed. 
The second we hung up, I felt lighter. It honestly felt like I could breathe again.
A little dramatic? Probably. Very real? Absolutely.

The next day he came over. I was convinced he'd need time and reassurance. Or maybe he'd changed his mind after my emotional rollercoaster over the last 24 hours.
Instead... He asked me to be his girlfriend.
He did make me promise one thing though: That from now on, whenever I had doubts or fears, I'd tell him immediately instead of trying to solve everything inside my own head first. 
And I think that promise has been one of the healthiest things we've ever done for our relationship.

Looking back now, I'm incredibly grateful that someone reminded me to also consider the best-case scenario.
Sometimes being brave doesn't look like climbing a mountain. 
Choosing to believe that good things are possible too, is also brave.
So if your mind is currently telling you a hundred reasons why something won't work..
Maybe ask yourself, "But what if it all works out?"